So, to answer the question, "Do opposites attract? Similarities in age, intelligence, religion, and education level are the blocks that build the foundation for a healthy relationship. Even couples who differ in race, culture and other significant areas will have things in common on a deeper level.
Remember the studies we mentioned earlier? A majority of them found that birds of a feather do flock together. A study by Eharmony mirrored these findings. An investigation of the matchmaking site's matching system results showed that even when opposites are initially attracted, it is similarities that make for a long-term relationship.
As psychologist Dr. Which brings us to another interesting finding: there are certain personality traits that people are attracted to regardless of their personality types or even physical beauty. I'm sure you've heard the saying that "nice guys finish last," but according to science, this isn't always accurate. A study conducted at the Huazhong University in China found that having a positive attitude being honest, kind increased the attractiveness of one's face.
During the study, a group of men was split into groups and shown women's faces with no descriptors. Another group was shown the same faces but also told about their personality i. The findings indicated that the standards of beauty for the second group of men were swayed by the positive descriptors regardless of their personalities. So, it may be that those who are cold or unkind aren't drawn to nice partners because they are opposite but because we as humans are attracted to kindness.
A study had similar results with body types. During the experiment, men were separated into two separate groups. One group was provided only pictures of female bodies but no other non-identifying information. The second set of men were provided with positive personality information for some of the photos they viewed and negative for others.
The first group presented a very narrow view of which body types were considered attractive. The second group's perception was broadened by the information of who was kind and who wasn't, leading them to identify a greater variety of body types as appealing.
But more than personality, there's something else that attracts us to our future spouses and its right under your nose. So much scientific research focuses on how we choose our partners, but what if we don't "choose" at all, at least not consciously. This could be a whole article in itself since there is so much recent research on the topic of scent attraction. Think of it this scenario: You're at a bar or for bookworms, a library and the hot guy sitting across from you catches your eye.
You start chatting and feel instant chemistry. What you don't realize is that invisible forces are at work in unusual places. Before you know it, you're in love at "first smell. The search for human pheromones has gone on for many years. According to the continuum of self theory, individuals who are codependent have a severe OSO, which is numerically represented by a continuum of self value of When in romantic relationships, they focus almost completely on the needs of a pathologically narcissistic partner, while ignoring, diminishing or neglecting their own similar needs.
Although unhappy and resentful, they remain in this relationship. Therefore, they have no investment or interest in changing the relationship. Because the OSO partner is neither adept at nor comfortable with communicating anger, displeasure or resentment, he or she is likely to suppress these feelings.
In addition, the OSO partner may have learned that communicating resentment or anger is likely to result in rejection, conflict or harm personal or relational , all of which he or she actively avoids. The partner who is considered codependent is correspondingly resistant to change because it would potentially result in emotional, psychological or even physical harm or in deep and profound feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness.
However, people who are codependent are sometimes able to accept responsibility for their problems and seek help. To illustrate, the -4 OSO is minimally capable of setting and maintaining boundaries regarding the love, respect and caring imbalance in the relationship. In this relationship category, the balance is significantly tilted toward the SSO. Even with the inequity of love, respect and care that is given and received, this couple is still capable of minor to moderate levels of mutuality and reciprocity.
For example, the OSO partner is able to set some boundaries and communicate some of his or her needs. The delineation between healthy and unhealthy continuum of self values pairings is not always clear. However, from the perspective of other societies, cultures or ethnic groups in which the norm is oriented toward an acceptable discrepancy between the giving and taking of love, respect and care, the relationship would be considered healthy and normal. If these romantic partners are satisfied and happy with their relationship and there is no harm perpetrated against the OSO, then their somewhat polarized exchange of love, respect and care may actually constitute a culturally specific healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships are defined by both a zero-sum balance and an equitable distribution of love, respect and care. This relationship is considered healthy because both partners are content and satisfied with their unique flow. In other words, this relationship works because both partners feel loved, respected and cared for in a manner that satisfies their healthy self-orientation. As much as the continuum of self theory attempts to identify and quantify human relational behavior, it is neither feasible nor appropriate to rely on just one theory to explain complicated human behavior patterns.
There are inherent dangers to having a limited or narrow view of human psychology. I would also like to offer some disclaimers. It does not purport to measure more complicated and multifaceted personality or relational characteristics or dynamics. Also, the theory should be applied only in a clinical setting with a competent and qualified counselor who is trained in the continuum of self and other related psychological theories.
Although the continuum of self theory attempts to explain and simplify the complex attraction dynamic, it does not pretend to be bigger and more inclusive than it was designed to be. It is not intended to be a stand-alone or comprehensive theoretical explanation.
However, it may be useful as an adjunct to other psychological theories. As a new psychological theory, the continuum of self has not yet met the rigors of scientific scrutiny. However, I hope that it will contribute to the current understanding of human behavior and stimulate further thought and discussion on the topic. Ross Rosenberg is a licensed clinical professional counselor and professional trainer.
Contact him at info advancedclinicaltrainers. Opinions expressed and statements made in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to represent the opinions of the editors or policies of the American Counseling Association. I guess, at this point it does not matter if you are a CoD or an empathic Person or even an healthy person. I made the experience that narcs drag you into their world of black and white, paranoia… e. I noticed that this resulted in joining their ups and downs.
Even worse when being an empathic person, because then you kind of notice the struggle within the narc to a finer degree. Furthermore I experienced that narcissists blame their counterparts when they take care for their own.
Example: I was in a relationship with a very nice, charming man who sometimes behaved like… like a clown, especially when he drank he turned into the centre of everyones attention at every party we joined. He was also strongly connected to his family, which is, on the first sight, nothing to worry about. I had to get a job and got one far away from home, so I had to travel each weekend for a couple of hours per direction by train.
Unfortunately, the job was not that nice like thought of and getting another one not that easy. So I had issues at the job and could not be there for my partner, which basically means, I did not care for him. What did he do? He replaced me, but he did not talk about it. These people do not want to talk or to find a workaround or … sth else.
They even do not care for the problems of others and it can be like being the mother of a baby who contantly cries. You can honor their need for space without feeling an urge to question or check up on them.
Trust also means you feel secure in their love and support. Partners who can handle conflict in a respectful, open manner generally have a better chance of making the relationship work in spite of any differences.
Intimacy which applies to more than sex is an important component of romantic relationships. Emotional intimacy might involve sharing vulnerabilities, dreams, and disappointments. Physical intimacy often refers to sex, but it can also mean hugging, kissing , and casual touching.
Similarly, a partner who easily shares their feelings might struggle when you consistently avoid emotional discussions. You can truly love someone and want to share your life with them but still be forestalled by incompatible goals.
When your current partner realizes they do, in fact, want children, you might choose to end the relationship so they can achieve that goal with a like-minded partner. And someone who wants to sell all their belongings and travel the world? Probably not compatible with someone who wants to buy a house and settle down. Science has yet to fully decipher the complexities of attraction.
At the end of the day, you like who you like, often without really knowing why. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.
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